Empty Nest Syndrome
For years, the couple built their nest, swaddling their young, teaching responsibility, fostering development. When it came time to say goodbye, the couple realized the need to loosen the bond they had created. The children had grown; for the first time, their nest was empty.
The empty nest often evokes anxiety and sadness in many parents, and relief in others. Children leaving home, either for college or marriage, signals lifestyle changes for many parents--a new independence that some embrace and others shun.
Many feelings parents have when their children leave home are normal. They're very anxious because they spent so much time parenting and wonder, "What do I invest in now?" They may suddenly have much time to fill, and this is the perfect time for new pursuits, whether it be a career or new friendships.
Experimenting and discovering new interests may remedy the grief that parents feel when their young leave the nest. Parents who have a good relationship with their children may go through a grieving process for about a year before they can effectively move on to their own pursuits. After this time, many parents even feel relieved because their responsibilities are not as great.
In a sense, parents rediscover themselves as people, not just as Johnny's dad or Mary's mom. With new independence and identity comes a preoccupation with self. For the first time, a woman notices wrinkle around her eyes, a man sees flecks of gray in his hair. When the kids leave home, more women tend to change their hair color, dress younger, think more about their health and maybe get a job.
The relationship between spouses often gets re-examined and typically changes because each has different needs after the children are gone. The two may become closer as they look to the other for companionship and support, or their relationship may weaken as they find they have little in common but the kids.
In extreme cases, the empty nest may elicit depression or guilt. Parents may exhibit such symptoms as crying spells, pessimism, low energy and changes in appetite and sleep--signs of the empty nest syndrome often fueled by maternal overprotectiveness and conflict within the family. Some women find it difficult to let go of their children and try to control their lives after they've left home. If the child left home abruptly, a woman may feel extremely guilty, blaming herself for being a bad mother. In these cases, women are more apt to turn to alcohol or chemical substances for comfort or help in adjusting to an empty nest.
To make a healthy transition, try following these tips:
- Maintain regular contact with children by phone or visits. Don't call daily, because that may promote dependence. But Mom and Dad still want to feel needed and, not surprisingly, adult children still need them.
- Review your strengths and pursue avenues to showcase them.
- Get involved in new activities before your children leave home.
- Help each other adjust to lifestyle changes.
- Put yourself first. It's a great time to be selfish, to spend some money on yourself.
- Plan for the present and future.
Couples should realize that their lives aren't over when the kids leave, they've just changed drastically. Think of it as an exciting new chapter in your lives.
